Saturday, April 26, 2008

In the Garden of Eden, Baby...

How the conversation really went back in the Garden...

God: "Where the hell are you two?"
Adam: "Shh! Quit fiddling with your fig leaves, He'll hear you!"
God: "I heard that. Come out so we can talk."
Eve: "Dammit. Does this fig leaf make my ass look big?"
Adam: "No, you ass makes your ass look big!"
Eve: "Fuck you!"
God: "Look just answer me this... who ate my apple?"
Eve: (Points at Adam) "He did!"
Adam: (Points back at Eve) "She made me!"
God: "I told you two to stay away from that tree."
Eve: "Wasn't my fault. It's that damn snake of yours."
God: "Well, you've really fucked up now. I'm kicking you both out of the Garden. No more free ride. Eve, your punishment is that giving birth to your kids will hurt like hell, and -"
Eve: "Kids? I'm still a virgin, dammit! We're still dealing with his hang-ups about sex!"
God: "What do you mean? You're not being fruitful-"
Eve: "Fruitful? We eat a stupid apple and you throw us out!"
God: "No, I mean, you're not busy having kids? Why?"
Adam: "She won't let me be on top."
Eve: "Damn straight. He keeps going on and on about how he and his old girlfriend used to fight about that..."
God: "Wait, is that why Lilith skedaddled on you? Jeez, man. Think, she's on top you got the best angle for all the goodies."
Adam: "I want to be on top."
God: "Fine, you're on top in bed, but she gets to ride your ass to the grave the rest of the time."
Eve: "I can make that work."

And so it goes...

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Chutzpah, Redefined

El Snob De Musica has a story to tell and it reminded me of one of my own misadventures. Not that I hang out with transvestites at 4 in the morning or anything like that, in spite of what Coyote, Taco, Fett and Blue may tell you. Lies, Damn Lies and Politics, I tell ya!! Tim insists that the story be told, so here goes...

Back in 1986, before I was old, chubby and lazy, which is to say before I learned to drive, I used to run on bicycle tours in the summers between sessions at the University. I rode my bike everywhere back then, and I had a metabolism to support my feeding habits; sadly, I still have the feeding habits but not the metabolism. Or the bike. Traded up to a motorcycle in '89 and never looked back.

Our '86 summer tour started off at the Old City section of the Twin Cities (same location The Skating Gnu managed to make a slapshot that pinged both pipes and scooted crosswise behind the goalie without scoring - read all about it here- needless to say she was PISSED about missing that shot) and went down towards the coast to Myrtle Beach (Home of the Myrtle Beach Open, another story for another time!) then along the coastline through the Frances Marion National Forest, a stopover at Sullivan's Island and then on into Old Charleston. Five days at about 75 miles per day. Good times.

We had great weather all the way down until we got to the coast. Something was brewing offshore. While we were pedaling through the National Forest, we were sheltered from whatever it was until we reached Sullivan's Island. By then we could tell it was gonna be a wild ride into the city. We had no idea how wild until we topped the Cooper River Bridge and came to a complete standstill, thanks to a steady 50 mph headwind. Turns out we came into Charleston from the North and Hurricane Charley spun in from the Southwest. Not much of a hurricane at that point, but it was rain enough for us, and the wind did actually stop us in our tracks.

By the time we reached our accommodations in the Old City (First Scots Presbyterian Church) we were completely soaked. The city was getting more rain than it could handle, and we were actually paddling in two-foot flooding the last leg. We looked liked drowned rats, and felt worse.

Nevertheless, a quick shower and a dryer full of fresh clothes did the trick and after the rain stopped we were out on the town to take in the sights. Down by Battery Row, one of my comrades and I were poking in and out of open homes, shops, and eateries. We came up on one grand home on East Bay Street where a whole bunch of people were streaming in and out. Thinking it was an open house, we just strode right in...

Right into a SEA OF TUXEDOS!!!

Imagine if you will, two bikers in bandannas, cutoff jean shorts, torn shirts, docksiders and no socks facing off against a house full of James Bond stunt doubles. We looked at them, they looked at us, both sides in complete surprise. We'd walked all the way inside, and there was no turning back.

A pair of gorgeous girls in antebellum dress walked up to us, winked at each other and asked us for our invitations. Before I could think of an honourable exit strategy, my buddy pats his pockets down, points right at me and says, "He's got 'em!" They turn to face me with gracious smiles and expectant stares.

I quietly explained that we were sorry to intrude, that we thought this was an open tour or something, please don't arrest us, etc. One of the girls, smiled and replied in that deliciously sweet Southern accent that only a young lady of good breeding can do, "That's okay, come on in, have some refreshments and shake hands with the next Lieutenant Governor of the Great State of South Carolina!"

Somehow we'd managed to crash the kickoff party for Tom Hartnett's election campaign for Lt. Governor! Too late to cut and run, we walked in with every ounce of pride we could muster and had ourselves a grand time. Our second time through the hors d'oeuvre line we got to schmooze with the host himself, with a flock of penguins turning green with envy looking on.

Nice guy, by the way. Got to shake his hand, still have the campaign button he gave me.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Like Pie!

She's my cherry pie,
Cool drink of water,
Such a sweet surprise.
Tastes so good make a grown man cry,
Sweet cherry pie!

Warrant, Cherry Pie

So, I'm working from home this week, and it's been an absolute zoo. Work is going crazy, and I had a paper due last night. I'd been working on it since Saturday, and by 1:00pm yesterday afternoon, I had exactly one paragraph written, and that one had been scrapped three times already. Needless to say, I was stressed to the breaking point. Finally got it turned in, all 5 pages with 7 minutes to spare. Talk about cutting it close! It's probably not my best work, but I was at least able to cover my main points and reach a point of satisfaction with it before time ran out.

Today, work is more of the same, insanity from the start. Mrs. Gnu, using her superpowers of intuition, (namely, listening to me swear like a sailor all morning) figured I could use a pick-me-up.

She came in to the office around lunchtime and had in her hands, a delicious, piping hot, homemade cherry pie. With a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side.

God, I love that woman!

Now, if only I could get her to dress up and do a remake of the video...

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Six of one...

Conversations of the Damned:

We decided to order pizza tonight in commemoration of a wet, cold, dreary Saturday...

PizzaGurl: "Thank you for calling Total Domination's Pizza, may I take your order?"

Me: "I'd like two orders of Kickin' Chicken Bites, please."

PG: "Would you like ranch or blue cheese with those?"

Me: "One of each, please."

PG: "You mean one of each in each order or one with ranch and the other with blue cheese?"

Me: "That's basically the same thing."

PG: "Uhhh.... nooo. If you get one of each in both that's totally different than each with two of the same."

Me: "...Bwuh?"

Our future is in the hands of our children.

God save us.

Post-Script: The Domination's Pizza guy arrived, with tasty Italian goodness in hand. Two orders of Kickin' Chicken, one order of bread stix and a pepperoni pizza. Just like the Romans of Caesar's time, feasting for all!

Opening the two orders of chicken, we find... drum roll please... Ranch dip in both. The bread stix, on the other hand, had two blue cheese dips that don't usually come with them.

Well, who says results don't matter? Yay PizzaGurl!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Ow! Ah Bwoke a Toof! It Hurth, Dammit!

Stop laughing! The damn thing hurts!

I don't know how I did it, but I managed to break a tooth while eating a ham sandwich last week. The day after I converted from contractor to full-timer at The Company. I haven't even had time to fill out all the paperwork and I'm already putting in benefits claims!

(Note: The Company is not to be confused with the Company or the company for that matter. I don't talk much about work for a reason; it's like Fight Club in my opinion. I don't talk about it. Unless I do. I'm ornery, remember?)

Worse yet, this was in the middle of mid-term week for my Software Management class. Will the pain never end?

A quick update: Psych class turned out good. Got an A. Now, on to Management of Software Systems. I do this for a living, so once again, it's an A or ass-kicking time. The Skating Gnu and her hockey team made it to the semi-finals in the Capital City Cup tourney. They put up a helluva fight against the tournament favourites and made a good accounting of themselves. Mrs. Gnu is still putting up with our crazy crap. I love that woman more and more each day. (Happy Belated Birthday, Dear!)

So, mid-terms. Tough class so far, lots of readin', researchin' and writin'. And readin'. And writin'. And scotch. Scotch? Yup. Scotch. Makes the researchin' much more interestin'. We get our test at the beginning of the week. Six questions, open book, open notes, open season on external sources. And I just HAD to break a goddamn tooth! Well, no use complainin' so take two Advil and start plowin' through it. Books scattered all over the office, 36 hours of work, and 18 pages written before I finally decided I'd done my best work on it. Turned it in, hoped for the best, took more Advil to kill the pain. Scotch to follow when it's safe to do so.

As usual, the Monday-morning quarterbacking starts the moment I declare myself finished. Mrs. Gnu said I should just turn it in and be done with it, don't sit there and over-analyze what I've written- just get it over with. She's right, I know she's right, and I know it's the best advice, but when it's my ass on the line, I find it a little hard to let go. Test anxiety again.

Grades were posted yesterday afternoon. I had to read it twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things.


Toothache? What toothache?