Beware Geeks Bearing Grifts

So, we had our Back To School night tonight at the college. All the faculty was on hand to welcome back students from their spring break. It was a lot of fun catching up with my students, most of whom seem to be following me from one class to the next in succession. I guess I was just meant to herd this particular group through to the end and send them on their way at graduation into the cold, cruel world.

Anyways, the college ordered an Imperial Fuck-Ton of pizza for tonight's soiree. By that, I mean four full-length tables piled five to seven pies deep end to end. Yeah, much more than a mere Metric Fuck-Ton. We had enough left over to send whole pies home with late-coming students who were initially worried they'd miss out on the comestibles only to find themselves hitting the mother lode.

As we were divvying up the remains, several of my students were still there talking with us and waiting to see if they were going to be bidden to the take-home feast. At which point, I picked up one of the sausage pies and spoke loudly to the group,

Please Do Not Throw Sausage Pizza Away!

How proud I was that every single one of my students got the reference, much to the consternation of most of the faculty who had no idea what we were giggling about. Some even recited the OSI model right back to me in correct form.

Looks like it's gonna be a good year after all.

The Road to... Where?

I'm sitting in my office grading papers and could really use a drink right about now. The Missus is on her stationary bike working out.

Me: "Hey, can you please bring me a drink from the fridge?"

The Missus: "I'm on my bike. It'll be a while yet."

Me: "Just find a safe spot to pull over and pick me up me a soda right quick on your way back, will ya?"

The Missus: "Okay. Wait... what?"

Me: [guffaws]

The Missus: "I hate you, Larriken!"

I'd hate me too if I'd just been pwned like that.

Call of Duty

Mrs. Gnu is not feeling well this morning. So, being the loyal, loving husband I am, I decide to work from home. The office is 20 feet down the hall from the bedroom, same floor, no minefields, fences or Indiana Jones type of traps across the way.

So, here I am, just hacking away at the morning's to-do list, when my cell phone rings.

Me: "Hello?"

The Missus: "Hi Sweetie!"

Me: "Why are you calling me on my cell?"

TM: "I've been calling you for 5 minutes and you haven't responded!"

Me: (pure instinct) "That's odd, there's nothing in my voicemail..." (Checks both phones for missed calls and messages)

TM (growling): "That's not what I meant!"

Once a geek, always a geek!

Gotta run, duty calls.

In the Garden of Eden, Baby...

How the conversation really went back in the Garden...

God: "Where the hell are you two?"
Adam: "Shh! Quit fiddling with your fig leaves, He'll hear you!"
God: "I heard that. Come out so we can talk."
Eve: "Dammit. Does this fig leaf make my ass look big?"
Adam: "No, you ass makes your ass look big!"
Eve: "Fuck you!"
God: "Look just answer me this... who ate my apple?"
Eve: (Points at Adam) "He did!"
Adam: (Points back at Eve) "She made me!"
God: "I told you two to stay away from that tree."
Eve: "Wasn't my fault. It's that damn snake of yours."
God: "Well, you've really fucked up now. I'm kicking you both out of the Garden. No more free ride. Eve, your punishment is that giving birth to your kids will hurt like hell, and -"
Eve: "Kids? I'm still a virgin, dammit! We're still dealing with his hang-ups about sex!"
God: "What do you mean? You're not being fruitful-"
Eve: "Fruitful? We eat a stupid apple and you throw us out!"
God: "No, I mean, you're not busy having kids? Why?"
Adam: "She won't let me be on top."
Eve: "Damn straight. He keeps going on and on about how he and his old girlfriend used to fight about that..."
God: "Wait, is that why Lilith skedaddled on you? Jeez, man. Think, she's on top you got the best angle for all the goodies."
Adam: "I want to be on top."
God: "Fine, you're on top in bed, but she gets to ride your ass to the grave the rest of the time."
Eve: "I can make that work."

And so it goes...

Tricks Won't Give You Cavities

My Idea of Halloween fun:

I dress up in a rabbit costume and answer my door when the doorbell rings.

ding-dong

open door

Kids: "Trick or treat!!"

Me: "TRICK!" spray them with silly string

Kids: dumbfounded look

Me: "Silly Rabbit! Tricks are for kids!!"

slam door

I'm Gonna Get Whacked One Day...

Probably by my Italian wife.

Let me set the scene:

Tullio's Italian bakery on the Outer Banks. We're all ordering up tasty desserts. I spy the cannoli in the corner right as we're all wrapping up our orders.

Bakery Girl: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Me: Yes, I'd like one of your cannolis, please."

BG: "Certainly. Anything else?"

The Skating Gnu: "Can I get some gum, daddy?"

Me: "Leave the gum. Take the cannoli."

Damn, I'm good!