Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Writer's Block

I have a paper due Sunday. My second one for the Organizational Behaviour class I'm taking this semester. The first one was a complete success - got a 100 on it. I have never, ever scored that high on a paper before. I was flabbergasted. Unfortunately I feel like I set way too high a standard because all week I've been struggling with ideas for this paper.

Writer's block is a raw, howling, untamed bitch sometimes. I'll get started on an idea, then it grinds to a stultified impasse as I run headlong into one dead end after another. All week, I've been tossing topics, notes and ideas into the trashcan, which is now resembling some sort of forlorn Think Tank of Misfit Ideas.

Until this morning.

Inspiration is like a bolt from the blue: it hits you at the most unlikely moments, and when it happens to me, I am always awestruck at the human mind's capacity to solve problems without overtly thinking about them and come with the most unlikely of solutions at the most unexpected moments. In this case, it hit me in the shower this morning. (No, I did not drop the soap!)

I stepped out of the shower and told Mrs. Gnu, "Hey, I finally found a topic for my paper!"

Mrs. Gnu: (annoyed at the growing puddle on the carpet under my feet) "Where'd you find it?"

Me: (returning the sarcasm with interest) "In the shower, right where I left it. Oh, and last night I found Jesus. He was behind the couch all this time."

Never tangle with an inspired smartass...

Friday, February 8, 2008

To Infinity...

I had the most bizarre dream last night.

I was driving home from work, and I looked up in the rear-view mirror at the car behind me, only to discover it was an exact duplicate of mine. Even the driver looked like me. That's weird, I thought, and scratched my head. So did the driver in the car behind me. I waved. So did he, and I could that see that he was waving to someone behind him. I flashed my lights, so did he.

I pulled over to the side of the road. So did he. I got out of the car, and looked back at the car behind me. I could now see an infinite number of "Me" doing the exact same thing. Right as I was turning around to look down the road ahead, that little voice in my head said, Don't do it, you'll fuck up the space-time continuum by instantly creating another infinite number of you in that direction.

Sure enough, there we were, staring at the back of the head of the "us" in front of... well, us. See? I told you it was a bizarre dream.

So now I have an infinite set of "Me" in both directions, and I've got to figure out how to fix this. So, since I carry two cell phones, one for work, one for personal use, I call "myself." Phone 1 dials, phone 2 rings in my pocket.

Me: "Hello?"

Me: "Yeah, it's me. Behind you - don't look goddammit!!" I looked. Goddammit. There I was, looking behind myself to infinity.

Me: "We're fucked, aren't we?"

Me: "Yeah, looks like it. Got ideas?"

An infinite number of Gnus scratch their collective heads. Ad infinitum.

Me: "Okay, here's what we do. I'll walk up to the car in front of me and get in. Y'all do the same."

(No need for agreement or discussion, we all came up with the idea at the same time. Funny, that...)

So I walk up to the car in front of me, and get in. And when I look up from the dashboard, I'm all alone on the side of the road.

Or am I...?

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Between The Sheetz.... With Gas!

My hometown has become ground-zero for great gas prices, ever since we got a Sheetz. Right around the corner from Gnu HQ, complete with a fast food joint inside and touch screen ordering kiosks at the pump. (Tip: When using them in the cold, try rubbing your thumb to make it warm then press the buttons, the screen is heat-sensitive.) The foreign guy who owns the Shell station across the street (no idea where from, I just know he hocked up a hairball every time he spoke) had gouged the area for many years; now he has to actually compete. Life is good, because Capitalism works!

So, I'm inside ordering up breakfast for the Gnu Herd on our way out for the day. I put my order in and wait for the hot, delicious goodness to arrive. On the counter, I see some stuff that needs to be cleaned up, so, being the good citizen I am, I scoop it up and head for the trashcan. One of the staffers sees me and smiles, "Oh that's okay, sir. We'll get that for you."

I smile at her and reply, "No worries, I like clean Sheetz, too!"

Poor girl nearly pissed herself laughing. I'm tellin' ya, one of these days...