Last post of 2008, and it's more glimpses into the mad, mad, mad inner workings of my head. Enjoy the show!
So I'm on break from class, and what do I do to commemorate this? I order a construction rolloff dumpster to be delivered to the house so I can clean out the garage, closets, office and all the other various and sundry hiding places where junk has accumulated over the last several years. So far, I've filled it almost to capacity and I haven't even finished the garage cleanout phase yet. We're gonna need a bigger dumpster!
The Gnu Herd has discussed getting a puppy. The Missus wants a collie. I suggested "Melon" as a great name for a collie. It took her a few minutes to get the joke, then she threw a pillow at me. Could've been worse... how about a Shih Tzu named "Ho Li?"
There's an old saying from the hallowed halls of the Physics Department: "An object at rest remains at rest, unless that object is a man, in which case his wife will be along shortly to correct the situation." This is known as Newton's First Law with the Marriage Corollary.
Last week, The Missus asked me if wheat was a flowering plant. "Yes it is, like all grains and other grasses," was my answer. She then asked me, "Do they smell?" I replied, "No, silly, plants don't have noses!" And then she socked me. Being a smartass hurts sometimes!
The Missus also wants us to switch to Soy Milk for some godawful reason. I gotta know... where are the tits on a soybean plant??? Will MiracleGro make them bigger?
Okay, that's enough randomness for one posting. From all of us here at Gnu Central, have a Safe and Happy New Year!
Showing posts with label They're thoughts... and they're RANDOM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label They're thoughts... and they're RANDOM. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Randomized, For Your Pleasure
Random thoughts, just in time for warm spring days...
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Memo to the fatass welfare brood mare, yappin' on the cell phone and clogging the grocery store aisles with your 40 offspring: Have you gotten your economic stimulus check yet? Yes? You're fucking welcome. You need to say "thank you" more often to people like me who earned that money for you.
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For all the crap we husbands take from our wives on a daily basis, we are rewarded with watching you put on panty hose. Shimmy, shimmy!!
=-=-=-=-=
Next time I go to a game where the team mascot is a bull, I'm carrying big letters to hand out to the whole row saying, "GO BULLS HIT 1!" Make sure they all stand real close together, no space between them.
=-=-=-=-=
...Jane plays with Willy,
Willy is happy again...
-Games Without Frontiers, Peter Gabriel
That has to be the most unintentionally funny lyric ever. Happy, happy Willy!
=-=-=-=-=
Why is it that the perforation of the paper, whether it be paper towel, tear-out for bills or toilet paper, is always the strongest part of it? You would think that with holes all through it that the paper would tear off there, but no, it always rips off in a completely different direction. If we could invent a perforated paper tank, we could conquer the world!
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I have an idea for a t-shirt:
Latin name and drawing of a coffee tree with programmers hugging it. Caption below says, "It's okay to hug a tree, just be smart about which ones. Trees, like humans, are not all equal: Some are more useful than others."
=-=-=-=-=
I'm thinking about writing a book of bad poetry in the form of prophecies, then paying stooges to claim they came true. Let's see how many idiots fall for it.
=-=-=-=-=
It's a knockout!
=-=-=-=-=
Memo to the fatass welfare brood mare, yappin' on the cell phone and clogging the grocery store aisles with your 40 offspring: Have you gotten your economic stimulus check yet? Yes? You're fucking welcome. You need to say "thank you" more often to people like me who earned that money for you.
=-=-=-=-=
For all the crap we husbands take from our wives on a daily basis, we are rewarded with watching you put on panty hose. Shimmy, shimmy!!
=-=-=-=-=
Next time I go to a game where the team mascot is a bull, I'm carrying big letters to hand out to the whole row saying, "GO BULLS HIT 1!" Make sure they all stand real close together, no space between them.
=-=-=-=-=
...Jane plays with Willy,
Willy is happy again...
-Games Without Frontiers, Peter Gabriel
That has to be the most unintentionally funny lyric ever. Happy, happy Willy!
=-=-=-=-=
Why is it that the perforation of the paper, whether it be paper towel, tear-out for bills or toilet paper, is always the strongest part of it? You would think that with holes all through it that the paper would tear off there, but no, it always rips off in a completely different direction. If we could invent a perforated paper tank, we could conquer the world!
=-=-=-=-=
I have an idea for a t-shirt:
Latin name and drawing of a coffee tree with programmers hugging it. Caption below says, "It's okay to hug a tree, just be smart about which ones. Trees, like humans, are not all equal: Some are more useful than others."
=-=-=-=-=
I'm thinking about writing a book of bad poetry in the form of prophecies, then paying stooges to claim they came true. Let's see how many idiots fall for it.
=-=-=-=-=
It's a knockout!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Random Thoughts
It's been a crazy month. The dog days of Summer are here, it's 110F outside (no, really!) work is insanely busy (I like that part because I hate sitting still with nothing to do) and... well.. it's just crazy. And I just now realized it's been almost a whole 'nother month since I updated this. C'est la vie!
So, here are some random thoughts that popped into my mind recently. Psychology students looking for dissertation material, pay attention, please...
I was driving home today and got stuck behind a minivan (scourge of the highway!!!!) that had one of those bumper stickers that said, "Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid." I want one to put on Mrs. Gnu's car that says, "Embarrassed Wife of an Opinionated Asshole." They cost less in bulk, anyone else want in on the deal?
As much as I agree with those who say round up all the illegal immigrants and ship their criminal asses back where they came from and build a big wall to keep them out, I still can't escape one nagging thought: Now you know how the Cherokee felt! Are we destined for our own Trail of Tears into exile on the shores of Baffin Island?
So the Little Gnu starts sixth grade on Monday. I'm moping around feeling old just thinking about that. Told Mrs. Gnu that I'd feel younger if we had another baby. Now I feel old and I'm bruised and aching all over. Ow!
When tax time rolls around again, how many welfare brood-mares, illegal aliens and third world tinpot dictators can I write in as dependents on my form 1040?
I walked into a Starbucks and didn't order a "tall" or a "venti" or a goddamn "grande" drink. I ordered a Large. Kid behind the counter said, "Oh, you mean the Venti, right?" I replied, "No, large. I don't speak 'Idiot.'" The look: priceless.
Well, my skull is now empty. Hope you've enjoyed this tour of the insane confines of my head. Please watch your step as you exit the vehicle...
So, here are some random thoughts that popped into my mind recently. Psychology students looking for dissertation material, pay attention, please...
I was driving home today and got stuck behind a minivan (scourge of the highway!!!!) that had one of those bumper stickers that said, "Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid." I want one to put on Mrs. Gnu's car that says, "Embarrassed Wife of an Opinionated Asshole." They cost less in bulk, anyone else want in on the deal?
As much as I agree with those who say round up all the illegal immigrants and ship their criminal asses back where they came from and build a big wall to keep them out, I still can't escape one nagging thought: Now you know how the Cherokee felt! Are we destined for our own Trail of Tears into exile on the shores of Baffin Island?
So the Little Gnu starts sixth grade on Monday. I'm moping around feeling old just thinking about that. Told Mrs. Gnu that I'd feel younger if we had another baby. Now I feel old and I'm bruised and aching all over. Ow!
When tax time rolls around again, how many welfare brood-mares, illegal aliens and third world tinpot dictators can I write in as dependents on my form 1040?
I walked into a Starbucks and didn't order a "tall" or a "venti" or a goddamn "grande" drink. I ordered a Large. Kid behind the counter said, "Oh, you mean the Venti, right?" I replied, "No, large. I don't speak 'Idiot.'" The look: priceless.
Well, my skull is now empty. Hope you've enjoyed this tour of the insane confines of my head. Please watch your step as you exit the vehicle...
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