Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Randomized, For Your Pleasure

Random thoughts, just in time for warm spring days...

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Memo to the fatass welfare brood mare, yappin' on the cell phone and clogging the grocery store aisles with your 40 offspring: Have you gotten your economic stimulus check yet? Yes? You're fucking welcome. You need to say "thank you" more often to people like me who earned that money for you.

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For all the crap we husbands take from our wives on a daily basis, we are rewarded with watching you put on panty hose. Shimmy, shimmy!!

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Next time I go to a game where the team mascot is a bull, I'm carrying big letters to hand out to the whole row saying, "GO BULLS HIT 1!" Make sure they all stand real close together, no space between them.

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...Jane plays with Willy,
Willy is happy again...
-Games Without Frontiers, Peter Gabriel

That has to be the most unintentionally funny lyric ever. Happy, happy Willy!

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Why is it that the perforation of the paper, whether it be paper towel, tear-out for bills or toilet paper, is always the strongest part of it? You would think that with holes all through it that the paper would tear off there, but no, it always rips off in a completely different direction. If we could invent a perforated paper tank, we could conquer the world!

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I have an idea for a t-shirt:

Latin name and drawing of a coffee tree with programmers hugging it. Caption below says, "It's okay to hug a tree, just be smart about which ones. Trees, like humans, are not all equal: Some are more useful than others."

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I'm thinking about writing a book of bad poetry in the form of prophecies, then paying stooges to claim they came true. Let's see how many idiots fall for it.

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It's a knockout!

2 comments:

Tim said...

Know what pisses me off? People who blow a small fortune every week on lottery tickets, then whine about being broke. Fucking nimrods.

Larriken said...

Agreed. The lottery really is nothing more than a tax on stupid.