I Love My Wife...

...she makes me laugh. More accurately, I've learned to push her buttons solely for the entertainment value. Slowly, she's learning when I do this.

Cue "24" ticking-bomb sound...

The following happened tonight between 6:47pm and 7:06pm

Mrs. Larriken (The Talking Gnu? I didn't say that...) and I are sitting on the couch, hungry, each waiting for the other to get up, so the one can say, "Fix me a little sup'm-sup'm while you're up, dear." I lost. Dammit, I'm hungry.

The Missus: "Dear, will you fix me a scrambled egg sammich, please? On toast."
Me: "Yes dear. One or two eggs?"
TM: "Two please. I love you."
Me: "I love me too, thanks for noticing. You want one or two sammiches?"
TM: (with warning look from aforementioned snide retort) "Two."
Me: "Salt?"
TM: "Nah."
Me: "Pepper?"
TM: "Nah."
Me: "Cheese?"
TM: "No..."
Me: "Bacon?"
TM: "No."
Me: "Mayo?"
TM: No. Just plain."

(pause, sound of pans rattling in the kitchen...)

Me: "Hot Sauce?"
TM: "What!?"
Me: "Hot sauce. Want hot sauce on your eggs?"
TM: "No, just two plain egg sammiches."
Me: "Okay."

(pause, cooking sounds...)

Me: "Sure you don't want hot sauce? I can make it mild..."
TM: "No, *dear*. No hot sauce."

(pause, toast pops out of toaster...)

Me: "Want me to mix your hot sauce with mayo, make a Southwestern sauce out of it?"
TM: (through gritted teeth) "No. No hot sauce. just two plain egg sammiches. On. Toast."

(pause, finished cooking...)

Me: "Okay, sweetie, here's your two egg sammiches, on toast with mild hot sauce, just like you ordered."
TM: "Oh for the love of - ARRRRRGHHHHHH!" (stomps off)

Friends, if you happen to see me running across the lawn in a zig-zag fashion, you'll know she's found the keys to the gun safe...